Things I’ve learnt watching The Mortal Instruments

1) All supernatural creatures are British. The good guys are public school-educated, the villains come straight from a bar brawl in East London. Who cares if the entire story takes place in New York? If you have any sort of magical ability / want to play a character that has one, you better get your ass to a vocal coach ASAP. I’m sure they have special rates for werewolves.

2) All supernatural places are Hogwarts or a castle that looks like Hogwarts. I doesn’t matter if you’re in Yorkshire or Manhattan, you’ll have to put up with stone walls and lancet windows. In fact, this appears to be the only way to convince humans that you’re not kidding when you say your day job is killing demons. Bonus points if said castle is invisible to humans / disappears / teleports.

3) Leather is trendy! Turns out that the late 90s fetishist/motorcycle gang look is making a comeback. In fact, if you don’t wear head-to-toe black and an accessory with chains, you cannot be accepted in a Shadowhunter gang. They also like thigh-high boots, minidresses, hoodies and elaborate blades.

4) If your mum is Lena Headey, RUN. As if we didn’t know this already.

5) Remember when all the juicy stuff happened in fanfictions? The Mortal Instruments has got it all, from incest to gay romance (maybe) to love triangles. The characters ship other characters. Everyone seems to want to get it on with everyone else. It’s like Cassandra Clare wrote this thinking of fanfiction writers… oh, wait.

6) Plot is an accessory when you’ve got sexual tension and lots of sleek fighting scenes. I watched the movie and enjoyed it quite a bit, but I still have no idea of what happened — why does Jonathan Rhys Meyers want the cup? Because he’s nuts? And why isn’t Jamie Campbell-Bower playing a snide, despicable character in a period drama?

7) The Nice Guy Syndrome is now being legitimised in a YA movie. More on this topic another time, but I cringed when Simon (Robert Sheehan) sat on Clary’s bed whining that HE HAD ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR HER, YET SHE WAS MAKING OUT WITH JACE. Thou whore, Clary!

8) Kevin Zegers does not age. He is 29 and looks younger than me. Vampire? Uh-uh!

9) Your neighbour is a witch and yes, she will try to murder you.

10) Remember the Biker Mice From Mars? The Mortal Instruments has the Biker Werewolves From Brooklyn (but with a British accent, obviously)! That is one cool ’90s reference.